I’m still here!

I’ve been remiss in the neglect of my blog.  I wish I could say it’s because I’ve been focusing on some really new and exciting things, but the truth of the matter is, that it hasn’t been.

So far I’m missed lots of really important goals in the last few weeks.  I lost a DietBet, I failed my CampNano goal, and I’ve missed personal deadlines. Mostly podcast and writing goals.

Why you ask?

Because LIFE!

Apparently, I’ve hit a bit of a weight-loss plateau sooner than I thought I would, so that’s been a struggle.  It makes eating right and hitting the gym that much harder when you don’t see the progress you have grown accustomed to.

The kids were out of school for a week because of #RedforEd, a cause I fully support, but having an unexpected seven days sucked out of my schedule definitely put things on the back burner. Also, they are still planning to begin summer break as scheduled, so those days are lost.

Then there was a power outage for a day, a scheduled power outage, and the installation of solar panels!  HURRAY FOR SOLAR!  But I failed to realize that installing solar panels would involve loud hammering and other noises.  Totally understandable and predictable, but not optimal for recording/editing podcasts. So that got pushed off.

And then, There’s Hero’s Mistake.  Life has also grabbed hold of the people I rely on, and that’s been delayed.  Again, it’s understandable, but yet another goal has been pushed off.

I know I’m going to have to re-adjust my expectations for the summer, not much writing will happen the way I need it to, but maybe the kids can create a podcast/YouTube channel, and everyone can have fun while hitting other goals.

I’m trying to remain optimistic. My twitter is always gaining followers, occasionally writers I respect and admire retweet something I comment on or follow me.  (You can find me on twitter as @dl_spartan and follow me too!)

My therapist changed up my meds, and that has also been an adjustment.  Managing my depression better, while keeping my anxiety at bay has been a challenge. Especially when sometimes the meds don’t make me feel OK. They say it’s temporary as I adjust to the new medications, but that doesn’t mean I feel any better about it.

I’m trying to keep a positive outlook, and in the next couple of weeks I hope to hammer out some stuff so check off a few things from my  ToDo list, but once you’re in a hole, it’s so hard to crawl your way out.  I guess the good news is that I didn’t’ plan on getting much done with over the summer; with the kids’ activities, vacations, and whatever else tries to claim my attention I figured keeping my expectations low was a good plan. So hopefully I can get a bit ahead and close the gap by the time school starts back up again.

I do plan on posting some fun, new material soon (not just me bitching about how life in general). I have my Kitty Shifter Short in the works as well as another couple shorts, I’m turning “The Green Gecko Bar and Grill” into a podcast (which should be out early June), and I hope to have Stan’s Ghost to the point where I can tease a bit of it.  I also have an idea for a podcast and I’m recruiting a team for that right now, and that seems like it will be fun and interesting.

I’m also hoping to start a book review here, mostly naughty books, but if a fellow Indie Author needs some exposure, I’ll happily share that as well.

So please bear with me, better stuff is coming soon.   (and this post is a positive sign since posting any sort of update was a plan, so WINNING!)




Motivation and other things

Here we are 25% of the way through 2018, and I’m talking about motivation. Sure, it’s a topic better suited for January or maybe even December (if you are extra motivated), but it’s never too late to get motivated, right?

I mean sure, there might be some lost opportunities if you aren’t motivated, but holy hell, if they were that great, you would have managed to get your shit together.  Am I right?

So for posterity and my own benefit, I’m going to write out how I motivate myself.  So the days I can’t remember how to do it, I can drag my procrastinating butt here and see what I’ve done in the past that’s worked (at least in the short term.) I’m also going to attribute much this insight and added motivation to an increase in my depression medications. I mean, sure I’m cracking my teeth in anxiety, but I’m getting shit done!

To motivate myself for writing, I like to get all the random chores out of the way.  This helps me eliminate the distraction of having something ‘more important’ to do.  I also like to make notes of what I’m writing for this session.  It gets me excited for the story and seems to foil any attempts at writer’s block.  I also need to be wearing a bra or tank top, because I need to attach my Garmin watch to it (more on this later.) Oh, and coffee.  Always coffee. The final thing I need to get my writing mojo flowing is a dedicated start time.  Everything that is going to distract me must be done and dealt with before my dedicated start time. To be honest, if this target is missed, then it’s pretty iffy that I’ll be able to get the mojo to do any meaningful writing. I mean, sometimes I can, but usually, once I get derailed, I’m off the rails.

My next motivation issue revolves around my physical activity or lack thereof.  Like every other American, I need to lose weight, I need to eat better, and I need to let go of all the things that are keeping me from being my healthiest.  I’m part of a Mommy Group (because of course I am!), and a part of that group is dedicated to health and wellness.  This week, one of the gorgeous mamas decided we should all record a video detailing our goals out loud, and we needed to share that video. It’s a private group so I won’t be sharing any videos here, I probably won’t even share mine here, but I might.  It helps to record it first, though.  I came here today to mainly to write up the script for that video. SO HERE GOES!

“Here is my motivation video.  For a long time my motivation to get healthy and fit was primarily to get more attractive and be ‘sexy,’ but it turns out that isn’t very motivating for me.  So I’ve just gotten fatter and less healthy.  But I have an excuse. I mean we all have an excuse, right? And they all are great excuses too.  Here’s my current excuse:


I sprained my ankle, badly.  Like required surgery and will probably need more surgery. Even the government declared this to be a permanent injury. So it’s a really good excuse.

I’ve been using this injury as an excuse to let myself go.  But it’s catching up with me.  I guess my general physical activity was high enough before I hurt myself that it took some time for my body to realize how out of shape I was.  Eventually, it did catch up, in about six months my resting heart-rate went from the mid-forties to the mid-nineties. There’s a reason this is important.

This is where superstition meets science. I read somewhere that the average heart beats approximately one billion times before it can’t do it anymore. So you can see why I would be unhappy about an increase in my heart rate. I have found this to be very motivating. Each extra beat now is one I won’t get later.

So now what? What’s my plan?  I’m happy you asked.  I’ve taken some StepBets and DietBets.  These have been motivational because I’m not one to lose money because I’m lazy or dumb (which is why I need a bra strap when I write. I can’t type with my Garmin on, and I’ll forget to put it back on if I haven’t attached it to myself.)  Let’s face it, we all know what we need to do, we just need the proper stimulus and tools.  I’m keeping a fitness journal to track my non-scale wins and using My Fitness Pal to track my eating honestly. Seriously, what is more bullshit than lying to MFP about what you’re eating? Nothing is! That’s what!

My first week on my StepBet, I ended up hurting myself, remember my foot is jacked. But I can’t let that stop me this time.  Every time my heart beats is one less beat I’ll get in thirty years.  So I need to figure this out. I talked to my orthopedist, and she said I needed to wear my brace all the time. ALL.THE.TIME. This thing is awful, it’s stiff, uncomfortable, hot, makes me walk funny, and is a pain in the ass to get on and off, but you know what is worse? Dying of a totally preventable heart attack, or diabetes, or stroke.  For the first time in my life, I’m feeling the effects of being overweight and unhealthy, and now I’m motivated.

I know I can achieve my goals, I’ve written two novels, and am well into two more. I’ve graduated from college, hosted parties, booked vacations, created small humans who seem to be decent people, I know I can achieve goals.  I just need to focus.

I know I can reach my short-term goals set by my Bets. My long-term goals are to be a size 10-12 because it turns out I look better not skinny (I have a boy figure that a couple of extra pounds helps hide).  My non-scale goal is to get my resting heart-rate into the 60s.”

img_7063   img_7126

So there it is.  My little motivation speech for my mommy group.

I have no idea if others will find this motivational or helpful, but as I said, there will be times I need to remind myself how to do it. I know I can achieve goals. I can do this! Right? There’s no room here for crushing self-doubt. Enter crushing self-doubt.

I know I’ll struggle. I know that my emotional issues will create problems. But I’ll need to have a point to reference so I can get myself focused on my goals once I’m functional again.  I hope this won’t get lost.  I hope that I can look back at this and cheer on my successes, and not focus on my failures.  OH, DEAR LORD, PLEASE DON’T LET ME FAIL!  I’m so scared I’ll fail at this so I’m afraid to even share this.  What happens if I come back in three days and realize that I’m not able to do this? If it’s out there, in the universe, will the universe think I’m a failure?

Fuck.  I’m going to stop writing now.  I don’t think this last bit is useful.


OMG! I suck at this!!

I like to write stories.  But I also want people to READ my stories.  So I have to do this SocMed thing.  BUT OMG!! I SUCK AT IT!!

I forget all the tags, hashtags, keywords, categories, blah blah blah that makes it easy to for YOU the interested reader to find ME the eager writer.

Oh, and don’t get me started on all the MEMEs. I need to make memes or other adorable images.  (Have you ever tried to get your cat to pose for an adorable image? I usually end up with this!)It also doesn’t help that I have the attention span of a gerbil.  Literally.  I had a really clever thing I was going to write, just before the cat idea popped into my head.  Now that really clever idea is GONE!!  GONE!!  And you are stuck with the ramblings of a madwoman who doesn’t want to work on rewrites.

It’s overwhelming and I just want to crawl back in bed, but said cat won’t let me.  She’s like the anti-depression cat.  If I try to get in bed and it’s not bedtime, she sticks her feet in my mouth and eyes. Her feet taste like cat litter.  It’s not good.  NOT GOOD PEOPLE!  So I can’t go hide in bed, which is probably for the best because I’m not sure my meds are really handling the depression on their own.  I need Anti-Depression Cat to at least get my butt in front of the computer.  From there, it’s 48% easier to stay on task, as long as my phone needs to be charged and I’m charging it in the other room.

Until I decided what I should do is review my sales/traffic, then I want to bake cookies, but the kitchen is a mess and I need to clean it, and while I’m at it I should do the laundry, maybe vacuum the living room, or feed the spiders.  Oh, I haven’t mentioned the spiders (Sushi, Hella, Porter, Emily, and The Little Bitch? There are other’s but they don’t really have names yet), yes.  I have spiders.  Spiders are the most superior of all the arachnids, with vinegaroons coming in a solid 2nd. Spiders are probably my #1 invertebrate.

But back to my todo list.  Now I’m exhausted just thinking about it all, and I want to go to bed.  Have I mentioned Anti-Depression Cat?  So back to writing it is.  No more checking out my numbers, just writing and hanging out with my friends on FB.   Cookies will have to wait.

Depression and the Creative Process

Apparently, something is missing. I need to figure out what it is.  It’s my homework and it’s the thing my therapist has been working me towards for nearly a year.  But my brain tells me that I need to get socialization, but meeting new people is about the most anxiety-inducing activity I can think of.

So all I have is time on my hands and I struggle to get my creativity sparked.  I know I need like-minded ridiculous people to keep my creative energy high but I can’t force myself to do it.

I’ve been told that there is a link between mental illness and creativity but sitting in the midst of a mental crisis, creativity is the furthest thing from my mind.  I’m exhausted mentally. I’m coming through to the end of an emotional journey that has resulted in the loss of my career and a giant question mark as to what the rest of my life looks like.  I’m lucky to have amazing support and love.

I’m protected financially fortunately but I liked my old career and I was good at it.  Now I just have time and my creativity. And my creativity has abandoned me.

I know I need to get past this. Over this.  Especially if I plan on making writing my new thing.  I’ll need to be writing every day, but I’m lacking the ability to care about it.